Misfit

Am I the only one who sometimes feels like throwing a tantrum?

I know about tantrums. I am the mother of a 1 year old and a 3 year old. Just as this photo indicates, my son let me know when he was not in the mood to have his picture taken. As I look at this picture, I think I see myself a little bit.

My pastor has been speaking about the verses in Ephesians that tell us how to relate to other Christians. "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."

In essence, Pastor has been saying that the church, not individuals, is the principle way Christ is seen by the secular world. That means that the whole idea of our own individual importance must be sacrificed to the greater good of the whole.

But what does that mean practically? That is what I am struggling with. In my church, my jobs include singing, playing the keyboard, leading the children's choir, working in the nursery, helping with the women's ministry, and writing skits and dramas for various ministries. Are these the things that I was put in my church to do? Obviously. But is there more?

You see, my tendency is to step out from the crowd and do something different. If everyone else is nodding their heads and agreeing with everything said from the pulpit or otherwise, I am the one shaking my own and contradicting the things that don't seem Biblical or right. For instance, while everyone else reads aloud the congregational reading because they are told to by the song leader, my mouth stays closed. Not because I am trying to be uncooperative, but because to me, the reading that results sounds liturgical and forced, not a beautiful expression of praise to the God who has written such wonderful things for us. When the hymns get played the same old way and no one seems to be giving a single thought to the words we are singing, my mouth stays closed. I don't know how to sing without my whole heart. If I can't sing with all my being, I can't sing. It feels like sin.

So my question is, am I making this all about me? Am I trying to be different because it suits me, or am I trying to be different because the church needs people that will be willing to stand out and say it when something's not right?

Pastor asked if any attitudes are diminishing my personal effectiveness in our church. I honestly have no idea. I don't know if my attitudes of discontent and sadness at some of the things going on are wrong, or if they serve an important purpose. The goal is Christ's glory and the edification of the Body of Christ. I could make good arguments either way for the attitudes and actions I have possessed in recent months and years.

All I know is that there are things in my church home, as in any other, that need to change. I know it is my job to pray about them, and to speak the truth in love when the opportunity arises. Other than that, I am not exactly sure where I fit, and what my job is.

Until then, I guess I'm a misfit, looking for that spot in this Body that was meant for me.