To Train Up a Child

It wasn't a very good day.

I'm sure every parent that reads this will nod with understand and instantly relate.

It started out at storytime at our local library. When I opened that door and saw the sea of small kids covering that floor, I should have thought twice. But Hannah was already up in the front row, listening to the story, before I could even decide whether I wanted to stay. So Noah and I made our way to the middle of the floor and sat down.

When it was over, I caught sight of Hannah in the rush of children to get their hand stamps and coloring page. So I sat with Noah and waited for her to get to the front of the mob. A minute or two passed and the crowd began to thin. That's when I realized that Hannah was not among them. Growing very concerned, of course, I went to one of the employees and asked if they had seen where she went. They hadn't, so I rushed out of the room followed by the employee who said she would immediately page her.

"She's only three!" I said desperately.

"Maybe if she hears her name she'll come back." she suggested.

I was highly doubtful. I barrelled down the aisle of the children's area, with not a clue what I was going to do other than panic. That's when I saw her. In her own little world, waltzing back into the children's area, shepherded by another mom who had seen her walking out to the front door and brought her back.

The child I alone was responsible for had walked away from me and had been at the mercy of a complete stranger. Never have I had a moment in parenthood more alarming than this one.

What was I to do? Blame her for her absent mindedness and independence? How could I, when she got them from me? Somehow I knew deep down that it wasn't her fault. It was mine.

The day went downhill from there. I don't wish to relive it, but let's just say that I have been screamed at and hit by two thirty-five pound children more than I have since I was a child myself fighting with my sisters. I had a couple moments where I was severely tempted to join the screaming match and get a few of my own punches in.

Now that the house is quiet and the children I thought of as wonderful blessings before I woke up today are sound asleep, my thoughts have somewhat fallen into focus. I came home from prayer meeting after a encouraging conversation with a friend very curious about the Bible's take on discipline. What am I doing wrong? What does God say about the training up of children? What do all those verses about the "rod" of discipline mean?

I found some interesting facts in my research. And I'm going to give my take on it. You can take my word for it or go on your own search for the truth. But I think we as parents need to truly understand God's heart when it comes to raising our children. We have such a tendency to do whatever we've learned from tradition or whatever is most convenient for us, and not take into account the ones we are supposed to be benefiting in the first place.

First of all, I will immediately say that as a child, I was spanked. And as the Bible promised, I did not die. I benefited from the clear boundaries set up by my parents. I'm not sorry for the way they raised me. I don't feel victimized. I feel blessed that they cared enough to teach me to do right.

Second of all, I'm not against spanking. I'm not getting up on a politically correct soapbox to say that everyone who spanks their children are child abusers. I am however, concerned about the way that people have made some assumptions about what the (King James Version) Bible means when it admonishes us to "beat (our children) with the rod."

Please hear me out, if you are ready to discount everything I've said and stop reading. Yes, I completely and unashamedly believe that the Bible is without error, is literal, and is absolutely relevant to every aspect of our lives. But you also have to look at the Bible in its entirety to see what it is saying. Every word works together to make a complete picture. You can't leave anything out or it won't make sense.

The word that King James translates "beat" is the Hebrew word "naka." It is a word that has many different meanings. When you put them all together, you come up with something closer to "punish" as the NIV says or "correct" according to the NIV reader's. Some of the other versions have come up with "strike, whip, or physically discipline." While that is part of what this word means, you still have to think about what else was said. What about the rod? We tend to think that the verse is saying "Grab a big stick and hit that bad little kid with it." Not at all! The rod in the Bible, especially in the books of poetry means a shepherd staff. Do shepherds indiscrimanantly beat their erring sheep with their staff to get them to do what they want? No. A shepherd uses his rod in many different ways to guide his sheep. Sometimes, it's a tap on the shoulder when they're straying too far. Other times, it's a lifeline to catch a sheep who has fallen into a pit. It is used in so many loving and instructive ways that the sheep come to view that staff as a comfort to them. To let them know that the shepherd cares so much that he isn't going to let them do anything that would bring harm to them.

Does that mean that spanking isn't biblical? Not at all. It can and has been used as an effective tool of discipline that does bring comfort to a child and prolong his life. But it has also been used as a reliever of frustration and a means of convenience. I think that if we truly look closely at the Bible's entire view of raising up godly children we see that the point of discipline is to not let a child get away with anything that will bring them harm.

Think about it. A rod. Unbending. Unweakening. It's a resolve of a parent who says "I'm going to make sure this little one learns to follow God no matter what the sacrifice is to me, because that's how much I love him/her." For some children, spanking is a very effective tool. For others, spanking doesn't mean much. I have a child like that. Spank her until your hand tingles, she doesn't mind. She thinks it's kind of funny. But sit her in time-out, or take away a priviledge or special toy, now she knows I mean business.

There's another aspect to consider in all of this. We can agree to disagree if I have not convinced you of the bigger picture of parent-child discipline. Yet we live in a very touchy society. It is already very politically incorrect to spank. There is a very fine line between legal corporal punishment and child abuse, and there are always attempts on the table to make it completely illegal.

What do we do then? Do we make this our crusade? Do we stand up and defy the government if they say we aren't allowed to spank our kids? Do we really want to see our children taken away from us all for our somewhat vague interpretation of a verse from the Bible?

I can only speak for myself. I'd rather explore the idea of the unbending staff of discipline. I worked for six years in a day care center with 1-5 year olds. I never once spanked a single one of the children that I cared for, but we did not have chaos. We did have the respect of those children. And we did lovingly guide them with discipline and correction.

I hope I haven't caused great offense to some of my friends and acquaintances that might read this. It is not my intention at all. And I must say that the people I have known that did greatly believe in spanking have not done it harshly or to cause injury, but because they truly love and want the best for the children they have been blessed with.

Whatever we do, may we do it with unbending strength, with absolute love, and with constant prayer and gentle instruction. And may we be open to allowing God to further our understanding of His Word in this area, and follow His heart as our Great Shepherd leads us with his ever-comforting staff of discipline.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4