Keep Looking Up

Something resonated with me when I laid eyes on this mama monkey, holding her baby so tightly.

We were visiting the Toledo Zoo while on vacation, and that's where I met her. I imagined her feelings as she held that little one. She was afraid for the safety of her offspring, so she held on tightly. She reveled in the joy of being needed, and offered comfort without reservation.

Maybe not. Maybe she wasn't thinking about anything except what was for lunch. But that's how I feel, so that's how I interpreted her emotions.

It's almost as if you are trapped with motherhood. That as you place all of your love and devotion and time and effort and prayers and tears on the little ones that look like you and act like you, your identity reforms itself to revolve around their well being and safety. I've never known fear like the dread of something bad happening to my children. I've never known love as fierce and enduring as the love I have for my children, save my love for Christ.

And you'd think that after almost four years, more than that if you count pregnancy, I'd be tired of the worry and the trouble. I'm not. In fact, I've come full circle to the place where I can barely look at a newborn without having my heart twist in a knot of longing.

It's hard to see other mothers that seem to have it so easily. They can decide to have a baby, and nine months later they are holding that little one in their arms. I decided almost a year ago that I was ready to bear another child. Why does God disagree?

Even though my heart is starting to break with disappointment and fear of never holding another child of my own, I find the process strangely interesting. No longer is my response to demand my own way and get huffy with God for not answering my prayers the way I wanted Him to. That might have been my response at first, but He's faithful. He's showing me the way. I can tell He's in this.

It occurred to me today, as I fought the despair of realizing that my body is not even responding to the medicine intended to help me conceive. I am privileged to join in His suffering. You see, I am 328 pages into writing a novel about a city called Jerusalem, a couple thousand years ago. The stage is set for a Savior to die a gruesome death on a cross. No one understands why. Everyone is despairing the very act that God will use to give them eternal hope. No one can see the future, as we can look into the past. They had no idea the resurrection would follow.

I do know, however. I have no excuse to view suffering as the final word from God's hand of allotment. I know that He loves me beyond reason, enough to give His Son's life for my many failures. I know that the darkest day of history was followed closely by the brightest. In the same way, my finest hour is my weakest.

He is using it, too. He's using my own disappointment and suffering to bleed life into the characters that viewed His sacrifice. My wounds give me substance to tell a story, the only story there really is to tell. Praise God that He can take our most excruciating hurts and fashion them into something that helps us know who He is!

So I remain, my eyes ever looking up, my heart crying out for Him no matter the personal sacrifice to understand.

After all, who better than He knows exactly how I feel?