I return to my horribly neglected blog to announce the arrival of a pretty special little person. My fourth child, John Michael, arrived safe and sound at 7:43 pm on April 11th, 2010. He weighed 10 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 22 inches long.
That's the short story. Now for the long version!
I have four children. I have two boys, two girls, all spaced a couple years apart. I asked God for just this scenario before I even knew if I would be able to conceive one of them. I asked for them in the exact order they arrived, I knew all their names before they were even created, and each one of them is exactly who I hoped they would be. This little one, John, is named for my grandfather who passed away 2 years ago - a great man who loved God and was a shining example to his family. My mom had always hoped for a son or a grandson named John after her father. When I found out that I was expecting this baby, I read from Psalm 103 the same day. "The Lord is gracious and compassionate." At that moment I knew that this would be my mom's baby John, as "John" means "The Lord is gracious." I didn't tell her. I didn't tell anyone save my husband, who admired my grandfather and completely agreed with the choice. I also came to realize soon after that this baby was due exactly two weeks after Grandpa's birthday. At that moment I began to pray almost daily that God would allow this baby to be born on the same day. Guess what? My compassionate Lord brought John Michael into this world on April 11, 2010, exactly 89 years after he brought John Herman Hubble into the world.
So I know it seems odd to title this post "A Better Plan." God did answer some pretty specific prayers. I am thankful to Him for all that He gave me, for all the hopes and dreams He answered so lovingly. I can see the smile on His face as I presented little John to his grandmother just over a week ago. I think God thought that was pretty special too.
I had a few other requests too. I wanted a natural, hitch free labor and delivery. I definitely wanted nothing to do with surgery, which was one of my greatest fears. I wanted an average sized baby and an uneventful pregnancy.
At 32 weeks I went into the hospital with high blood pressure. The next 6 weeks were a rough walk through a valley of bedrest, hospital stays, tests and scary predictions of this baby's size. By 38 weeks I was ready for my prayer to be answered and my baby boy to be born healthy in the appropriate way. Oh, I expected hiccups. My other labors were long and hard. My body never seems to work the right way, my babies never seem to be in the right position. This time was no different. I had wonderful nurses who did their best to help me help the baby into the right position, but John's rather large head was cock-eyed and not in a great position for birth. When the time came, I pushed and pushed with all my might, but the epidural I had cut out on the right side of my body and the pain and intensity of pushing quickly began to overwhelm me. At that time the baby started to show signs of distress, and you could feel it in the room. Everyone knew that my chance to deliver my baby myself was over.
"It's time." the doctor decided, and as much as I didn't want to hear it, I heard my gracious and compassionate Savior speaking through him. "It's time, my child. Time to let go of your plan and accept mine. Time to let me prove that even if your worst fears come to life, I will still be with you. I will still be God, and you will still be loved."
So with tears pouring down my face and with a terror I've never felt before, I was wheeled to the operating room. As the flurry of activity around me went on, I looked for my husband, but he wasn't there. The only face leaning over me was a stranger's. I didn't even see my nurse. I was alone.
But I wasn't. Someone was there. I could feel Him more acutely than I could even feel my husband, who eventually took the seat next to me and gripped my hand, obviously as scared as I was. I asked him afterward if someone had been holding my feet during the operation, and he couldn't recall anyone being there. But I remember more clearly than anything else that happened in that room, even though I was numb from the waist down - someone was holding my feet, and that feeling comforted me more than anything else. As I focused on it, I stopped crying, I started praying, and I waited for my baby to be freed from my body.
He wasn't freed without a cost. I have a painful incision wound across my abdomen that I will carry for the rest of my life as a scar. I have internal wounds that will not allow me to ever have another child any way other than another surgery.
But God got John here. And in the process He was able to use the scariest event of my life to show me that He will ALWAYS be there, and I can do ALL things through Him who is my strength.
So take it from me, if your worst dreams suddenly come to life, if you can't figure out why in the world a God who is supposed to love you would let you suffer in the way you are hurting... remember to look around with spirit eyes, because I promise you He's there in the room... perhaps holding your feet with a grip of love.
"Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a God who loves you? Where is He now? Well maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending someday somehow you'll see... you'll see... Would you dare, would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing because the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Come on you got to wait for the light, press on and just fight the good fight, because the pain that you've been feeling is just the hurt before the healing... the pain that you've been feeling is just the dark before the morning." - Josh Wilson
