Chaos... Yet Peace

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

I am at a place I never expected to be. It's one of those things that you worry constantly as a mother will happen, but you never truly anticipate your worst fears becoming a reality.

For anyone who is a mother, you can appreciate my fears for my children. It seems especially during these years of pregnancy and hormonal ups and downs that it's so easy to be anxious over every sniffle and fever.

The ironic thing is now that I am facing a very real unknown, though I am definitely worried and anxious for the results that we will get Friday, I am experiencing a completely ridiculous, even inappropriate peace. Those are strange words to use, I know, but it is the only way I can think to describe my emotional state right now.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, my three-year-old son had surgery yesterday to remove three huge lymph nodes that are at this moment being biopsied to check for lymphoma. This alone, I know, is not a huge cause for concern, since the statistics are excellent (almost 90%) for them to come back benign. Yet when the doctor removed them, he told us with concern that they were "suspicious." I suppose that moves us down in the percentage a few categories.

It's a mystery to me how I can get myself so worked up into the "what ifs" and "please, Lord, no" of this life when nothing is wrong, and then when God does allow a stressful week of waiting to know whether we are about to embark on a scary road of childhood cancer or if we will be set free from this trial... well, there's just so much peace.

Don't get me wrong. I feel a great weight almost crushing my chest, stealing my breath. It's kind of like running a marathon - pushing past that pain to persevere and finish this race. It's burning, it hurts, it's the furthest thing from comfortable. But I'm okay with being here.

What? Okay with the possibility of your son having cancer? Of course, the answer is a resounding NO! The thought of it is the scariest thing I have ever seriously considered. But I'm okay with God allowing something really painful. I'd compare it to when Peter jumped out of that boat and started walking on that water toward Jesus. As long as his eyes were pinned on Jesus, he did fine. It was only when he started looking around at where he was that he started to sink and be afraid. So at this moment my eyes are GLUED to Christ. I get senses of the scary storm around me, but all I see is Him. And I am definitely okay with that. I would say I can see His face more clearly right now. And I have to admit, He's beautiful.

So all this to say, don't waste your joyful times worrying about the battles to come. God doesn't give His perfect peace that passes understanding to us when we don't need it. But don't mistake it - it's there in abundance, overflowing - when we do.

And please pray for my little boy if you think of it. Please pray that God will spare him the hard road of cancer. Please pray that we will get a good report of benign lymph nodes later this week.

But pray most of all that God will do His perfect will. Because He really does know best, whatever the circumstances are. I can say that with more assurance than I ever have before.

"It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace." - Sanctus Real