All I Really Need

The words I write tonight do not flow willingly or easily as usual. I like to write about things I've already learned. Things I already know about. Ways I've already seen God work for good.

There's a formidable and unrelenting grip that holds the heart of a mother. God put that tie there on purpose, so that we could protect our little ones. But when anything threatens that child, it can tear a mommy's heart in two.

About a month ago, Noah got a cold. A few days later he got a sore throat and fever. A trip to urgent care revealed he did not have strep. He was sent home "with a virus" that would resolve itself in a few days.

Well, over four weeks later, three excessively enlarged lymph nodes remain. Last week, wanting to get to the bottom of why my little boy can hardly breathe, eat or sleep because of these swollen glands, I took him to the pediatrician's office. The doctor who examined him (not his own doctor) was convinced he had mono. She sent him for a blood test to confirm. The blood test did not confirm. I took him back to see his regular doctor, and to my surprise some words began to come out of her mouth that struck terror into my heart. "I'm going to be very honest with you.... ordering more tests... Atypical lymphocytes... lymphoma... cancer."

Taking a deep breath, I asked if she was just being cautious or if she had reason to suspect the unthinkable. She assured me she was being cautious, but that sometimes lymphoma can present in this manner. She sent us for more blood work and x-rays.

As I held my baby boy in my arms as they tried unsuccessfully to find a vein that would relinquish the needed blood, and as I felt his little body stiffen and heard his cries of pain, I felt a new definition of pain that I have seldom experienced.

When Noah was born, the nurses that assisted raved about how big and strong he was. How they had never seen such a healthy heartbeat, and they cheered as they weighed and measured him. I never expected to face the possibility of him being ill.

Noah's bloodwork and tests all came back negative. I'm not exactly sure what that means. He saw an ENT who called his lymph nodes "impressive" and put him on steroids and antibiotics to try to shrink them down. In two weeks, the verdict will be made on whether a biopsy will be needed.

And so a mother waits. Sometimes scared. Sometimes at peace. During the day, able to put it to the back of her mind as she goes about the busy tasks of a mommy. Here, in the stillness of the midnight hour, shedding tears of concern for her son. And yet I know that in the darkest hours of life, Jesus is able to shine even brighter. In the weakest moments of a parent's journey, there is a strength in knowing that no matter what happens, a child is loved beyond all measure by a Creator.

And so a mother rests on the faith of a love that went the distance. On a Savior who loved enough to die. Who will bear the scars of His devotion for eternity. Surely He is able to hold my Noah in those strong and gentle hands. And though my tears may fall often in the next few days of waiting, I am ever convinced of the love of God. Of His power to overcome the sinful darkness of this world.

Jesus, You are all we really need. Thank you.


In the darkest hour I must face
I’m counting on Your grace to give me all I need
Sunless days and cheerless nights will pass
And work their work at last to form Your joy in me
For when I am weak
I find that You are strong, and

All I really need is Your grace
All I need to know is You are near me
All I need is You
All I really need is Your grace
All I need to know is You are for me
All I need is You
All I need is You

Some may place their hope in feeble men
I can’t do that again, for only You are strong
I will pray to God who lifts my head
To You who came and shed
Your blood for all my wrongs
For when I am weak
I find that You are strong, and

Lord, I know You hear my every sigh
You hear the raven’s cry and give the sparrow food
How much more will You provide in love
For those You bought with blood
and work all things for good
And when I am weak
I find that You are strong, and

Words and music by Mark Altrogge
© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise

You can download this song for free at http://www.sovereigngracestore.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=M4205-00-21